*If*...
I often wonder why I make certain decisions... and "what if" I had chosen the other path. I only wonder, I never berate myself over my decision... I feel that all decisions I have made can be justified and I am a firm believer of bearing the consequences of my actions.
Why am I saying this? Well... I had a "stock market" kinda day. My emotions went up and down the whole day. It was pretty much up the whole day, until I parted with a friend in Causeway Bay. Even on the bus with the friend, I was thinking: "Sometimes, Hong Kong isn't so bad after all". What keeps me sane here, is my job (love the people I work with) and my friends. Though it appears as though I separate work and friends, they're actually the same thing. The people I work with are now close friends. The people I find myself gravitating towards seem to be less self-centred people (ok, maybe some of you ARE a bit egocentric *ahem*, sometimes) and are able to see beyond dollar-values. But after I went off on my own to do some shopping, I ran into so many rude people. I was at a sports store buying "beach wear", when a teenager barged past and almost knocked me over... I was really ticked-off, and almost grabbed her to tell her she chose the wrong person to mess with. I thought about it, and didn't because what good would that do? For the next hour and a half, I was either walked-into by people (as though I was invisible) or looked up and down by women on the streets. It's at times like these that I feel out-of-place and really ugly in this city. It's gotten to me so much, that I've quite honestly given up on how I look. I've let myself go. I looked into the mirror just now in the changing room and was disgusted by what I saw. I've lost all the muscle tone I worked so hard for last year... Ugh...
What if?? What if I had stayed in Toronto and worked as an Analyst? Would I let myself go the way I have? Would I be happier with myself?
I have to remind myself that I made a decision and this is the path I chose. I see today as a wake-up call. I shouldn't let myself go the way I have. After my program is done next week... and after all the write-up has been done... I'm going to fix myself. I know it's just my appearance that I'm fixing... but it's a start. What if, eh?~