*Revelation*
According to the Chinese Lunar calendar, the 14th day of the 7th lunar month is when the "ghost festival" falls on. We are in the 7th month of the lunar calendar, and in accordance with Taoist burial tradition, there's this ritual that we perform for the first 7 years after a person has passed away in order to help them transition into the spirit world. Yesterday, we went to pray during the ceremony and visit my grandparents' graves as well...
I went with my mum, aunt and cousin to the Taoist temple where my grandparents' remains are interred. Ever since I can remember, my mum has always encouraged me and my sister to pray (ask for their blessings) and sort of... "tell" my grandmother and great-grandmother (who passed away before we were born) what we've been up to. Now with my grandfather also gone, we've continued with these rituals at his grave as well.
I didn't think that my grandfather's death would affect me as much as it did. It's been 2 years now, and it's still difficult to go to his grave and tell him what I've been up to. He was the closest grandparent I had and the last one to go. He was always so strong, and when Sarah and I were little, we used to hold his hands to cross a road... and his grip was always so strong, we'd want to yelp in pain. To see him just before he passed away was incredibly painful... to see such a strong person become so weak...
Anyways, after I walked away from his grave yesterday, I came to realise my priorities in life and the true me hit me like a Shinkansen. I always thought that I had a good balance between my "good" life and my "work" life, but I realised yesterday that I don't value my "good" life at all. My "good" life constitutes all the fun stuff in life: dating, partying, shopping, etc. The "work" life is: school and work. When telling my grandfather of what I've been up to this past year, I didn't mention Chris at all. I only told him about my school and my plans (more school). I usually tell my grandmother about the stupid men I date... but I didn't this time.
Yeah, it may all sound rather silly to others, but these visits mean a lot to me. Ever since I was little, this was the time for me to tell my grandmother all the important things in my life. It surprised me after I walked away, that what I thought was important... may not be so important after all.
As much as I love to go to school, I never really thought that school was that important to me. It was always more important for me to have a good time, than to slave away at work or school. I think everything that has happened in my life over the last 4 years have really put things into perspective. Coupled with the promise I made my grandfather the last time I saw him before he passed away, I've morphed into this almost unrecognizable person.
I'm scared of this person I've become and just come to realise. I looked in the mirror today and saw a person that doesn't dress so well anymore. A person that only wears foundation and forgets the blush. A person that gets excited when she sees books about Syllabus and Curriculum Development (and consequently bought 2 books). This is NOT the person I thought I'd become. I'm scared, and I don't really know how to deal with this. I want to go back to being the girl who's a size 6 and wears 4 inch heels to the store. The girl who can name the year and season a Gucci bag first came out. The girl who gets excited when she sees the annual special edition InStyle Wedding magazine...
Where's that girl gone?~